Welcome, I’m Anna & This is Why I Care About Authenticity
Hello!
I am so glad that you are here.
What’s up y’all? My name is Anna Claybaugh and I’m very excited to meet you here at Awakening Your Authenticity (AYA).
For me, authenticity is one of the most important things we can focus on in our existence. Being authentic means living in a way that honors your true self, the one that you return to on the inside, the person who existed before you became your mother’s child. It is something I think we have at times lost sight of in our world. For in our world, we historically value existing in a way that helps us fit in. Cultures that say we have to look a certain way, engage in certain life events (i.e. marriage by X age, wanting children, going to college, grow up and don’t be childish, etc.). We shift and squeeze ourselves into molds that do not represent our core truths. We don’t allow ourselves to exist in our unique way. We disallow our passions to thrive due to fear of acceptance or that it is "what you should be doing”. We shrink ourselves and hurt ourselves. We then become hurt people and as we all know, hurt people, hurt other people.
What I’m arguing here is that eventually fitting in will make you sick. You will learn how to cut yourself off, betray parts of who you are and tell yourself messages that may not be in alignment with your values and your core. It is my belief that everything starts with the mind and spirit, thus, eventually by telling yourself that you are not good enough because you don’t fit a patriarchal mode of who you “should” be. You get to the place of attacking pats of yourself. Eventually, I believe your body listens and will too start attacking that part of the body. Science informs us that trauma and pain are stored in the body (see Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s work for evidence of this). This is my theory for why eventually we develop dis-ease, disease and cancer.
Besides these reasons, I believe it also hurts the soul. By soul, I mean the true you, inside; call it your higher self, your essence, your Truth, the voice in your head, same difference to me. Your birthright is to be abundant and your own, sovereign human being, yet our societies teach us the opposite. We cut ourselves off, shift and contort ourselves to a place of misery. We disconnect our minds from our bodies as a way of keeping us safe and dis-embodied (i.e. not connected to our bodies). We are told in the United States that all humans “are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” (See Declaration of Independence). YET, what U.S. founders really meant by that was if you are a white male, cis-gendered, heterosexual and from European descent (i.e. European Imperialism $$$), you are endowed with these rights. We’re all too familiar with how injustice shows up to prove this point today.
In the long run we lose sight of who we really are and this contributes to depression, anxiety and other forms of dis-ease.
In my personal life, I have found that I used to try to fit in. I had perfectionist issues. I call myself a caregiver in recovery because I would give and give to others and leave nothing for myself. My value was derived from external feedback and how I could give to others, not how I could give to myself. I was the biggest advocate for LGBTQIA2S+ rights but was internally closeted to my own queer identity. I even got to a point of telling the Universe, “if this is a lesson I’m supposed to learn in this life time you can save it for the next lifetime, because I’m not doing it.”
It worked for a little. I was in a long term relationship for almost 5 years with a man, whom for a while I thought was my future. I wanted all that I was told to want: marriage, 2.5 kids, a mortgage and fine home with a busy career. Soon my body became so anxious that I was having panic attacks at work, intrusive, unstoppable thoughts and I was relying heavily on external substances to keep me afloat.
Hiding from my Authentic Self Was Making Me Sick, literally.
Through support from many people in my community, professional and friendly, I eventually left that relationship, came out as bisexual (at the time) and began embarking on my journey to finding answers to the question “Who the Hell ARE YOU?”
Four years later, I am confident in my queer identity. I have realized that I am not simply “female” rather non-binary in my gender, sometimes gender fluid, meaning at times I feel more masculine and others I feel more feminine. I believe we are equal parts divine feminine, divine masculine & divine inner child. Thus, I cannot exist on a binary! I am so much more than that. I choose every day to show up for my true self. Even if I feel nervous about how others may perceive how I move through the world. I learn from people like Alok V Menon who keep me on the path of the authentic self. I do the work of unlearning and pulling the white supremacy out of me (thank you Rachel Cargle, Layla F. Saad, AntiRacism Daily, Trudi Lebron, Weeze and so many others).
It is WORK. But it is SO WORTH it. For Not ONE of Us is TRULY Free, until EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS FREE. In the words of Audre Lorde, “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own. And I am not free as long as one person of Color remains chained. Nor is anyone of you” (1981).
In my work today, I notice clients often realizing that when they think about it, they also are stuck wondering who they are. They are not sure what brings them joy, what their needs are or how they want to exist in the world. Stuck and trapped in a patriarchal, white supremacist system that holds values like “just pull yourself up” or “it’s not that bad, stop complaining” or “it’s much worse over there” or “you should be happy enough with this”.
My work now is supporting others in realizing YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, IN YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF. You are PERFECTLY, YOU & Only YOU can BE that. Only YOU can bring your unique gifts to the world.
Will you join me? Will you choose a life of fulfillment, abundance and self love? Will you drop the shoulds and live a heart centered, value-based life, according to you?
I sure hope so :)
Comment below about your authenticity journey. Together, we rise. Together, we create new paradigms. Together, we reclaim ourselves.
